These are the droids you crave

My mind’s playing tricks on me again. It offered me everything I ever wanted. All the promises I made myself were false, and only one God of mine can return me to my former glory. Drink. Smoke. Fuck yourself up. Everything will go back to what it was. A vague memory of a yesterday that didn’t even sting.

I’m no stranger to those lies. The fight’s been raging on the moment I decided to walk the narrow path. The farther I get, the narrower it seems, but my balance is unhinged. Nothing can stop me. Not even myself. But it doesn’t hurt any less. Laying in bed, strapping myself down with imaginary chains. Hoping my feet don’t take up their own commands and drag me to that same damned park.

The park where everything goes to die. Where the trees never grow leafs, and the flowers decided to never visit. Only death surrounds that place, and I can’t help but miss it. I shouldn’t. I’m not supposed to. But I do anyway. Because I’m out of control. Knowing I’m out of control, somehow, helps me stay in place. It helps me bolt my legs onto the bed, and not move a single inch until every demon inside me clawed its heart’s content.

Those bastards won’t feed today. Not tomorrow. Not any time soon. They think I can’t maintain my resolve. Your demons will always think themselves to be stronger than you. And sometimes they are. But not today. Not tomorrow. Not any time soon. I let the shivers go, and I let my imagination take me to happier days.

There are no demons here. Only a happy boy, running through a field full of yellow flowers, picking out berries from a tree. The sun here is warm, and she hugs me. My mother’s watching from a distance and my father’s resting on her lap. My sisters and brothers are laughing, and playing with a ball.

My demons are strong, but they can’t rob me of that. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not any time soon. My body is fighting against me, but it’s a fight I’d given up long ago. It can beat, and it can scream, and it can yell, and it can itch and it can shiver as much as it damn pleases. I’ve surrendered myself. Beat on me as much as it wants, I’ve done worse. As long as the demons crave, I remain unmoved.

Hungry. Afraid. Enraged. Scream all you want, you bastards. I will not move. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.


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