Today I woke up thinking about you.

I haven’t seen you in six years. Almost seven. Last thing I heard from you was a shitty Lana Del Rey song. I remember being really fussy about that. Somehow, you even killed yourself wrong.

You weren’t special.You were sick, and you knew it. In a way I figured you would finish yourself off sooner or later, but I hoped that maybe our friendship would have done something. I could’ve saved you. But, let’s be fair here, I can barely save myself. Hell, truly living up to your standard, I can barely stop hurting myself.

I guess the only difference between you and I, is I liked girls my age. You had a problem, and for some reason, you had a penchant for the young ones. It was normal, until you started getting older, and your girlfriends kept getting younger. It was awful hearing you, at nineteen, explain how you were getting it on with your fourteen year old girlfriend.

The world wasn’t your friend, and you were turning me into your enemy. I remember you explaining why you would do it. How your disease was going to hurt someone in the long run, and even worse, is hurting someone in the process. It just came out of nowhere. Except for that shit song. I can’t believe you chose a song. a “Lol. Bye” would’ve been enough, but you chose to copy paste your way out of this life.

Your brother called, and he told me they found you hanging at your grandfather’s shed. I didn’t see your corpse, but I can’t stop imagining it. It took them 3 days to find you, you know. No one thought you would’ve gone and done something that fucking stupid.

You still visit me now and then. I’m glad you do.Every dream I have of you, you’re pale, and full of molded wounds.I wished you could see this world. It’s a damn shame you don’t get to see the trouble I’ve been getting myself into. I promise you, it’s infinitely better than anything you had in New Zealand. I’ve seen so much more since you left.

I’m sorry I couldn’t go to your funeral. She was there, though. She reached out to me after. She was sixteen. Told me about you. She had nothing but good words. She came on to me after a short while. I had no idea what to do, so I walked away and never looked back. She’s living with her father now. I thought you’d like to know that.

I hope you’re gone completely. Religion holds no respect for suicide. I have to say, though; Fucking ballsy. I don’t know what was rushing in your mind with your neck to that noose, but whatever it was, it gave you super human powers.  Enough to shatter the lives of everyone you touched. Yes, even the assholes on your Facebook wall.

You changed something in all of us.

I miss you

 

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